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September 7, 2020
Relationships are the most important aspect of our life. The quality of our relationships contributes to our mental health and our overall well-being functioning. Feeling a safe secure connection with our love partner is vital if we are to live a balanced fulfilled life and move towards self-actualising our potential.
The quality of our relationships contributes to our mental health and our overall well-being functioning. Understanding that the success or failure of a relationship can be underpinned by science helps couples to move towards creating more relationship happiness.
When we begin to examine key relational drivers such as deal makers and breakers, each person in the relationship can make critical changes to how they think and act towards each other.
Our body language, mannerisms, behaviours are all being influenced by the hidden part of our psyche; our subconscious mind. This is why we usually play out the relationship with ourselves and others on automatic pilot – we are not consciously aware of why or what we are doing in relationships and this often leaves us dumbfounded as to why we keep experiencing similar experiences with almost identical outcomes. This old way of being and doing relationships is often what creates pain, frustration, power plays, conflicts, and distance in our romantic interactions as each partner sill has unprocessed baggage to work through.
Unprocessed baggage includes our unprocessed hurts and traumas and often results in one or both partners projecting this onto the other person. For example; if one of the partners has issues of trust because of the interrupted family of origin attachment issues or because of past betrayals and they are not aware that they have this then they may begin to accuse their partner of not loving them, having an affair, or not wanting to be with them.
The person lacking this critical relationship building block is projecting onto the other person what is really missing in inside of them. In other words, if we have not developed a trusting and loving internal structure within ourselves self then we will continue to aimlessly look for it in another person, only to interpret their actions from a place of suspicion.
We need to increase our levels of self-awareness to build quality and loving relationships. We must mindfully apply our attention to access high functioning qualities, which will contribute to higher levels of trust and love in the relationship.
High functioning qualities that contribute to strong healthy relationships include patience, kindness, decision making, negotiation skills, emotional intelligence, reflection, intuitive based actions. A common faulty thinking trait that prohibits relationships from working is making assumptions. From my clinical experience, a common denominator that keeps couples stuck in a negative cycle of relating to each other is assumptions. Each person in the relationship makes assumptions about their partner and the quality of the relationship.
Usually, we lack awareness that we are making assumptions and that we are contributing to the relationship conflict but unintentionally we are.
Assumptions are termites to an intimate relationship
Assumptions can originate from a variety of sources, including family, friends, and the media. They influence our belief and thinking programming about how relationships should be. Viewing relationships from how they should be is another faulty thinking pattern which we will discuss at a later date. They take a serious toll on the quality of happiness couples will experience
Couples may also individually make assumptions from not directly discussing their thoughts and feelings with each other.
Essentially assumptions decide that a thought you are having is ‘fact’ when you do not have all the information. Unfortunately, this can lead to poor decision-making or feeling resentful towards your partner.
Also do not let partners share their side of the experience. Assumptions leave people feeling undervalued and unheard.
Assumptions make us assume that our partner should know what we are thinking and feeling. Individuals may assume that they have communicated their thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires, effectively, when most of the time they have not.
Sadly, this can lead to blaming their partner and often keeping their thoughts and feelings about what their partner is doing wrong to themselves. Such negative thinking and blame towards their partner only contribute to both people feeling more distant in the relationship.
Assumptions can also make us believe that talking about a topic once is enough. This causes us to assume that our partner ‘understood the full range of our thoughts and emotions’. This could cause us to become angry or upset if our partner tries to revisit the topic.
Assumptions can lead to us equating mind-reading with romance. In other words, the only way to feel romance in our relationships is if our partner guesses correctly. However, the best approach is to be specific and clear about what we think, feel, want, and expectations of each other.
Three tips to avoid making assumptions in relationships:
1. Ask questions and clarify
Ask questions to help you clarify the reality of the situation and then keep asking more questions. This will help you to really understand your partner’s point of view and align you as a couple to move forward in the same direction. A helpful question to ask yourself is, ‘how can I better understand my partner?’
2. Plan fun times together.
As a couple make time to plan fun activities together and statements like ‘what can we do this weekend that will be fun for both of us?’ will help keep those assumptions at bay.
3. Be accountable.
If you have made assumptions about your partner or have been hurtful to them, take responsibility. Apologise and state that you are working on not making assumptions that create division and want to make the goal teamwork.
To find out how I can help you or to book a session visit Reignite the Passion in Your Relationship
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